I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
