Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
well you can't waste a boner
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
