my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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