I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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