You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
