I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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