he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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