in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
