I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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