i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Let's get the cat blown out
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
