: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have fence marks all over my body
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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