I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
