No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
