so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
