I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
