I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
