Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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