I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
