There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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