i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
