Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
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Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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