yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
