She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
