my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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