the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
