I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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