fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
