now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.