Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
