I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
