I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
