I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
