I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
