Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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