your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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