i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
