Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
