There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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