Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Randomize
