I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
