please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
