my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
