My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
