We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
