Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
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Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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