if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
