I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
