On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
