Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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