i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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