They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
