I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
