I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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