it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
