no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
