Got a toothbrush?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
