Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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