Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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