i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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