When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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